How to deal with negativity when you're blazing your own trail
- Joëlle Przytula-Bertherin
- Jan 30, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Feb 14, 2022
In my last two blogs I wrote about not following the narrative when it comes to politics. Unfortunately, this can come at a price, which can mean dealing with a lot of resistance from others. It can sometimes be so overwhelming that it can instigate a lot of negative feelings and even feelings of depression.
Let me start by giving an example from my own life. Ever since I started searching for news outside the mainstream media I noticed there are a lot more sides to almost every story you hear about. This confused me at first, but after a while I started noticing patterns of disinformation instigated by the media, in my opinion because they were pushing an agenda. For me, this was the moment I decided I was done with following the narrative and I started blazing my own trail. This does not mean I see myself as better than others. It only means that this feels right for me. I think it's important to stay my authentic self, so I want to live my own truth. Of course I hope it's THE truth, but who knows in life? As long as it's my own truth, I can live with that.
I began sharing a lot of the new information I found with friends and family. Then something odd happened. Basically I saw three groups: first the people who didn't want to hear anything about my findings. They either started talking about other things or asked me not to talk about the subject anymore. Then there were the people who also noticed the same things as I did, and finally the group who either ridiculed me or even got angry. Especially this last group puzzled me. Why would you get angry with someone for having a different opinion? Can the fact that someone doesn't follow the narrative or the group really make a person so restless?
First, it's important to understand why people could react this way by explaining something about how people behave in groups. Different studies have shown that not following group norms can cause rejection. For example children who were asked why they disliked another child didn't name characteristics of the rejected child, but stuff the child did or didn't do. "He doesn't like the Piano". "She likes dolls and I don't". "I don't like the clothes he wears" , etc. So rejecting another child had nothing to do with who the child was, but with how much the child followed group consensus.
Behaving like the group can be very helpful and has a lot of positive sides. It helps to smooth interactions and reduce conflict. For example look at traffic, the army or team sports. If no-one conforms to the group in these situations, it can become a disaster. When you look at prehistoric times, not behaving like the group could mean exclusion and death. Surviving alone was simply not an option. So traditionally it's normal to want to belong. Exclusion, even in modern times, can result in feelings of either depression or aggression (revenge). This made me think. If exclusion or belonging activates a deep feeling of survival instinct, how far can this fear of exclusion make us exceed our moral principles? Could the fear of exclusion run so deep, that even the thought of exclusion can make someone aggressive towards the individual that is "different"? Comparable to a fight or flight mode? Either the individual distances themselves from the "outsider" or they become aggressive towards this person. A way of saying: ''don't pull me into your way of thinking or I'll be excluded as well''? It's something to consider.
Studies have shown that the tendency to belong can be so strong that people behave differently in groups than they would do individually. Also, in situations where people aren't sure what to do, they often look to others in order to determine how to behave. Unfortunately when the scale tips too far to one side it can lead to the bystander effect. This is an effect where people are less likely to help a victim when there are other people present. The greater number of bystanders, the less likely it is that one of them will help. For example, if someone gets mugged in the street with a lot of people witnessing it, the chance that everyone expects that one of the other witnesses will help is very high. If there's only one witness however, this individual will automatically know that the person who gets mugged depends on their help. The chance that this individual will help in this case is very likely. So like everything in life, there has to be a balance between a healthy group dynamic, and individual development.
Group dynamics can also lead to obedience. This has to do with what we perceive as authority figures. We live in a world full of people who have been given power over us: our boss, the police, our parents. Studies have shown that people respond to authority because they believe an authority is legitimate, because they don't want to face the consequences of disobedience and because they want to get rewards. Obedience can however have a dark side and it can take on extreme forms. Think con artists who wear fake uniforms so people open the door. That the pressure to conform to authority can take an ugly turn, was shown in an experiment from the 1960s called the Milgram experiment. Subjects were told by a man in a white coat (an actor) to give electric shocks to a person (also an actor) they couldn't see behind a screen. After some time passed by, the subjects were told to turn the electric shocks to a higher voltage and even to lethal, meaning death. They could hear the person behind the screen scream louder and louder and begging to stop, but the disturbing thing was that most of them continued until the lethal shock. They valued the orders of the authority figure over their own judgement. This experiment was replicated over and over and unfortunately, the results stayed the same every time. This can be a scary thought.
Feeling like we belong in a group is important. However we also have the strong urge to be an individual. This is the human paradox. And like I said it can come at a price. Social rejection can make you suffer. Studies have actually shown that it activates the brain areas associated with physical pain. So it's no wonder it can come with feelings of depression. Losing friends and family over your beliefs is very hard. It's for each and every one of us to decide if we are willing to pay this price. How important is our authenticity to us? Are we willing to risk being excluded from the group we've come to know and love? Are we willing to lose friends and family who might not agree with us and can't accept us? This is something everyone needs to decide for themselves. When it comes to myself: I simply cannot live a lie. If this is what I feel to be the truth, then I don't want to pretend otherwise.
Fortunately there's also good news: I mentioned the Milgram experiment before and I'm sure that it's a shocking result to most of us. But let's focus on the glass half full: the people who refused to obey no matter what the authority figure said. We can conclude that they decided not to conform and follow their own moral compass. A sign of leadership perhaps? It might. It's helpful and important to focus on this if you are a trailblazer. You are taking a different approach, discovering new ground and working your way through the jungle with a machete. This is only possible if you have leadership qualities. And like a true leader does: try not to focus on what you've lost, but on what you can create. This does not mean you should ignore feelings of loss and sadness. Mourn, process your emotions and do everything you can to help yourself move on. After that, don't dwell on them. This makes you a victim and not a leader.
If this is hard, that's ok. Acknowledge that it is and try to find help. Don't judge and isolate yourself! That's very important. Find people who are like-minded. This way you can join a group with people who share your point of views, thus creating a new feeling of belonging for yourself. As you have read in this article, this is crucial. If you can't seem to get rid of negative emotions and feelings of depression please find help with a professional. You are important and deserve to be happy. Being happy is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. If needed, find someone in your community who can help you with this. The important thing is to find someone you feel comfortable with.
When you have processed your feelings you can focus on creation. This can be anything you are passionate about, for example: focus on the new you. Develop yourself into who you truly want to be. Like I said, this can be hard. You're an explorer of new territory. This means you need to have stamina when all sorts of negativity is thrown your way. When you don't get any compliments, people tell you you are crazy, maybe even dangerous, there's no room for a big ego. Humility and discipline are key. Try to explore your inner realms. Get to know yourself better and better. The more you know who you are and what you stand for, the less people can throw you off balance. Nothing is more empowering than being your authentic self.
And finally: you might find yourself judging the people that ridiculed and rejected you for hurting you. It might be tempting to see them as ''followers'', because you chose to be a trailblazer. Don't! It keeps you in the victim mentality, hurts your integrity and feeds your ego. We are all trailblazers and followers in our own way, but maybe on different points in life. Besides, it takes a true leader to know when to lead... and when to follow.
I hope you find everything you're looking for!
Sources:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/qz.com/887995/the-psychology-of-cliques/amp/ the Milgram Experiment: https://youtu.be/mOUEC5YXV8U
Comments